Soul Reaver: The Special uber Collecters edition!
by OrpheumZero
Summary: It's Enter the Block Puzzles, only with some new tweaks, come along and see the reimagined tale, starting with chap. 1! Please Read and Review!
1. Chapter 1: How to make a Raziel

1_Legacy of Kain_: **Soul Reaver** –

**Enter the Block puzzles ver. 2.0, Director's cut, special hyper edition, Z**

(You all already know what the Fing warning is.)

Hello, my dear fans, sorry I've been gone lately, my computer died about a week before September, and now I have finally got it back. I've decided to go back and rework my first parody, now with extra footage!

Example: Raziel is seen fighting Darth Maul with the Soul Reaver.

New angles!

Ex: The camera shows Raziel falling into abyss in the same old position, the camera tilts to the right about an inch.

More characters!

Ex: Link from Zelda can be seen holding a flame-thrower and burning Dr Weird's (Aqua Teen Hunger Force) lab.

New costumes!

Ex: Raziel is wearing a black cowl and has those non-existent boots that show up in some photos of him.

Ex2: Kain wearing nothing but a Speedo, men can be heard retching, fangirls swarm and engulf him.

Ex3: Moebius dressed similar, laser pointers to his head and rest of body, camera pans off and we hear gunshots and explosions.

And all the weapons are replaced with walkie-talkies!

Ex: Raziel pulls five walkie-talkies out of Dumah.

Ex2: Kain is seen busting a huge walkie-talkie over Raziel's head

Well maybe not, that thing in E.T was so lame, anyway, enjoy the new version of my classic vision now in, 3-D!

* * *

(We see the opening of the game as always and Raziel narrates).

Raziel V. O: Kain is a jackass, the clans mock him behind his back, but only few have managed to keep their mouth's shut. Anyway he was mortal once, blah de blah as were we all were, de blah. I am Raziel, firstborn of Kain's homies and lieutenants. I stood with Kain and my brethren at the dawn of the empire then took a nap and came back. We became less human and more, divine, Kain would enter the state of change and emerge with new threads, while we get stuck with hand-me-downs, until I had the honor of surpassing that jerk. For my 'transgression' I earned a new kind of reward…. agony (Kain rips off Raziel's wings). Agghhh it hurts, mommy! Ouchies!

(We now see everybody at the abyss)

There was only one possible outcome. My eternal damnation, I Raziel was to suffer a painful and horrible fate for traitors and weaklings and burn forever in the bowels of the lake of the dead.

(Kain is trying not laugh as he has just played a joke on Raziel, he composes himself and says his line.)

Kain: Cast his stupid ass in.

(Dumah and Turel toss Raziel in).

Raziel: Awwwww Crap……..

(Raziel screams as he is tossed, we see Kain's joke is that he placed a 'kick me' sign on Raz's back.)

Raziel V. O: Tumbling, burning with white-hot as sht fire, I plunged into the depths of the abyss, unspeakable pain, well not exactly I'm explaining it right now, anyway, relentless agony, time ceased to exist as my sports-watch crapped out on me. Only this torture and a deepening hatred of the Hypocrisy that

Damned me to this hell and the jerks that sold me this piece of junk.

An eternity or at least that what I think it was passed, and my freaking torment receded, bringing me back from the precipice of madness, gasps and naked chilliness. The decent had really screwed me up… and yet, I lived.

(Suddenly the Elder God makes his first speech, nearly scaring the crap out of Raziel.)

Elder God: Raziel, you are worthy.

Raziel: EIEEEEEEEEEE! Jumps so high he hits that soul thingie

* * *

Well I hoped you liked it, please review and I will allow you to make a cameo in this. I like to give credit to LegendaryFrog (a flash movie maker) for inspiring the idea of the new extras.

I'm glad to be back from my absence, and I hope that all of you, my fellow fan fic writers will be there to enjoy my stories once more. Aside from this little update, I also have concluded my Soul Reaver 2 parody, there's a new chapter in Blue Vampire Café, one in the Blood Omen 2 parody, a new chapter in my Silent Hill 2 parody and I even did a fic in the Code Lyoko. I hope you have time to see what I've done and I can't wait to catch up on all of your wonderful stories too.

See ya! Please Review and I'll let you all have a chance to beat up Moebius, FYI: He's the reason why there's no word yet on the next Legacy of Kain game.

Moebius: That's a lie!


	2. Chapter 2: Raziel in training

Soul Reaver - Part 2: The long boring Training.  
  
Me: Hello it's me again I hoped you enjoyed the first installment.  
  
Raziel: You could have gotten me killed, making me say that behind Kain's back!  
  
Me: Oh shut up he can't killed you for good you know.  
  
Raziel: Oh yeah..  
  
Me: Now go drink your juice and get ready.  
  
Raziel: Ok  
  
(Raziel lifts a juicebox up and sticks the straw between his cowl and begins to drink it even though he has no lips).  
  
Me: Anyway, may I present to you part 2.  
  
************************************************************** *************************  
  
(We come in where we left Raziel and the Elder God, having to wait for a load screen that takes an eternity to load.)  
  
Elder God: I know you, Raziel, well not really but I was paid to say that, but that's another story, you are worthy.  
  
(Raziel is just finishing his juicebox when suddenly rock smashes the side of his head.)  
  
Raziel: Oh yeah, uh.What madness is this? What butt-ugly form have I come to get now? A better make-up artist would be a release next to this screw-up.  
  
Elder God: You got really screwed up in the abyss, getting drunk and the like, Raziel. You should be thankful I saved your ass.  
  
Raziel: I would hire a better travel agent than be here.  
  
Elder God: The choice is not yours to make it's the director's.  
  
Raziel: Can we at least play some music while I'm here?  
  
Elder God: Fine. Why not.  
  
(Underworld theme plays.)  
  
Raziel: Thanks, where was I oh yeah, I am destroyed!  
  
Elder God: You are reborn  
  
The birth of one of Kain's...  
  
(The Elder begins one of his long and boring speeches about how Kain did this and that, which causes Raziel to fall asleep.)  
  
Elder God: .Become my Soul Reaver, my angel of death.  
  
(Raziel has bubble coming from his nose and is snoring.)  
  
Elder God: RAZIEL!  
  
Raziel: *Jumps* Aghhh!.. Oh yeah, yeah become your agent yeah whatever.  
  
(Raziel runs out of the God's chamber and sees his first StarGate whoops I mean warp gate.)  
  
Elder God: This gate bends time and some crap like that and allows you travel great distances without having to go on foot.  
  
Raziel: Sweet!  
  
(Raziel runs through the gate and runs smack into the wall.)  
  
Elder God: You idiot you have to activate other gates first!  
  
Raziel: Screw this, I'll just take a cab or something.  
  
Elder God: That doesn't exist on Nosgoth.  
  
Raziel: Says you.  
  
(Raziel walks into next chamber and suddenly feels weak; he leans against a pillar to keep himself steady.)  
  
Elder God: You are still a little drunk, you must feed to get your strength up.  
  
Raziel: Are you blind I can't friggen drink blood no more, remember no lower jaw?!  
  
Elder God: Shut up and let me finish! You are changed you no longer hunger for blood, you now must eat souls. They will sustain you and replenish health.  
  
Raziel: Talk about your Soul food, ha ha ha.  
  
Elder God: You suck at jokes Raziel.  
  
Raziel: Hey shut up!  
  
(Raziel eats a few souls and then continues into the next chamber; he comes across his first group of Sluagh.)  
  
Raziel: !0.0! Holy crap! What the hell are those things!  
  
Elder God: They are the Sluagh, butt-ugly aren't they, sheesh even Ariel isn't that frightening, ya know what I mean.  
  
Raziel: HAHAHAHAH damn that was good!  
  
(The creatures suddenly slunk and frown at the insults).  
  
Sluagh#1: Hey! Shut up you big bullies.  
  
Sluagh#2: Yeah what did we do to you? Mister no bottom jaw that wears a gay looking cowl!  
  
Sluagh#3: Yeah! Besides, aren't ladies the only ones who wears those.  
  
(The sudden jokes about his cowl set Raziel into a rage that scares that crap of the freakish beast).  
  
Raziel: THAT'S IT! YOUR F*****G DEAD YOU SORRY ASS EXCUSES FOR CREATURES!!!!!  
  
Sluagh#4: OH S#$@! RUN!  
  
(Raziel charges at the Sluagh at incredible speed and stabs the 2nd one through the head and then slices the heads of the 1st and 4th in one swipe and then impales the 3rd through the chest, he then devours all their souls).  
  
Raziel: Who else wants to make a mockery of my cowl!!!  
  
Elder God: Whoa calm down Raziel, just count to 10 and breath, okay?  
  
Raziel: *after calming down* Ok I better get going.  
  
(Raziel comes to a chasm that seems impassable).  
  
Raziel: That's nothing, I can jump it.  
  
(He tries about a million times and keeps falling flat on his face.)  
  
2 HOURS LATER  
  
  
  
  
  
Elder God: Damn-it Raziel use your wings, though ruined, still can be used, take hold as you leap and they will carry your scrawny ass across.  
  
Raziel: I could have thought of that.  
  
(Raziel finally makes it to the first material-plane portal).  
  
Elder God: These things will allow you go into the material realm, be warned though your health will wither and soon you'll be returned to the spectral.  
  
(Raziel stands on the portal and uses it.)  
  
Raziel: Oh cool I'm doing that again!  
  
(So he did for the next three hours.)  
  
Me: Sorry about that he's a bit of an idiot. Tune in for part three coming soon.  
  
Please Review. :) 


	3. Chapter 3: New vamp on da' block

Soul Reaver- Part 3: New Vamp on da' Block  
  
Me: Hey glad to see you liked the last two parts, I have a little treat for you.  
  
(Raziel calls from behinds large curtains.)  
  
Raziel: Do I have to? :(  
  
Me: YES.  
  
Raziel: Oh all right, shucks.  
  
(The curtains rise to reveal Raziel wearing a light pink tutu and a little angel wings.)  
  
Raziel: I hate you.  
  
Me: Just do it.  
  
Raziel: Now?  
  
Me: Yes.  
  
Raziel: *Singing* I'm a little tea-pot short and stout, here is my handle, here is my spout, when I get all steamed up hear me shout, tip me over and pour me out.  
  
(Canned clapping can be heard.)  
  
Raziel: Can I go?  
  
Me: Yes fine.  
  
Part three - Vampires, Empires and homovamps?!?!?!?!? ************************************************************** *************************  
  
(After several hours of warping into spectral & material realms, Raziel finally gets bored and walks up to the large iron gate.)  
  
Elder God: The gate is too rusted and large to open, you must find another way in, but that will be later.  
  
Raziel: Oh well. *humming as he walks into the cave.*  
  
(Raziel comes across a small pool of water).  
  
Raziel: 0~0.W.w..WATER.  
  
(Raziel rolls up in a ball and whimpers).  
  
Elder God: Oh for god's sake, your are young, you retain many of your weaknesses, water, while not fatal, will dissolve your physical form, your fly across. In the spirit realm water stands as thin as air.  
  
Raziel: okay. :(  
  
(Raziel gets across and proceeds to the door, the Elder God gives him a hint even though it's not really needed yet.)  
  
Elder God: In spectral, objects are but shadows.  
  
(Raziel proceeds and for the first time sees the devolved vampires who are playing cards with a human, who they find is cheating and so they eat him).  
  
Raziel: 0.0 What the hell are those!  
  
Elder God: Do you not recognize the children of your brother, Dumah?  
  
Raziel: Whoa, it looks like he had sex with the Sarafan Lord!  
  
Elder God: Tell me about. 0~0 *barf sounds can be heard*  
  
Raziel: I knew my opponents weaknesses, because I was vampire once, so I knew what to do, throw them into spikes, toss them in water, throw them in sunlight or impale their asses.  
  
(Raziel fights the devolved creatures and throws one into the spikes on the wall).  
  
Vampire #1: aggrrhhh.(his head slumps).. *in dying voice* Rosebud.  
  
Raziel: That was the worst imitation ever.  
  
(He proceeds to throw the other one in water).  
  
Vampire #2: But I just ate *glug, glug* I'm supposed to wait 30 mins-  
  
(Raziel dunks the vampire's head in shut him up, he walks up to the block and pushes it up to the small passage above.)  
  
Elder God: Know this: in the spectral you-  
  
Raziel: Oh shut-up you git, you always have to say something about something.  
  
Elder God: Why you little!  
  
(A brick falls out of the sky and hits Raziel on the head.)  
  
Raziel: OW!!  
  
Elder God: That'll teach you.  
  
(Raziel mumbles curses under his breath and proceeds to the door at the end of the passage; he opens the door and walks out towards the Sanctuary of the Clans.)  
  
Raziel: HOLY S#*%! what happened?  
  
Elder God: Kain and your brothers had one hell of a party after your execution.  
  
Raziel: I'll say, damn I love parties.  
  
(The ground shakes violently.)  
  
Raziel: Whoa what's happening?  
  
Elder God: The world has a hangover.  
  
Raziel: 0.o?  
  
Elder God: It got drunk at Kain's party and has been this way sense.  
  
Raziel: Has it tried that egg remedy thing?  
  
Elder God: Yeah, it didn't work.  
  
(Raziel continues on and kills the vampires along the path, he activates the first warp-gate and then proceeds to the abyss, he suddenly hears two vampires talking, he peers around the corner and sees one is dressed like a sailor and another is dressed with pink shorts and a blue short shirt.)  
  
Raziel: 0.0  
  
Elder God: Oh my god.  
  
Gay vamp #1: *in gay-like voice* So that hussy tries to cut in.. *continues to talk*  
  
Gay vamp #2: Oh that sleesh, well have you see jerry lately?  
  
Gay vamp #1: Oh behave.  
  
(Raziel cuts in.)  
  
Raziel: That's it I can't stand this sick and wrong scene here!  
  
(He grabs the sailor one and throws him into the abyss.)  
  
Gay vamp #1: @$$h*%#&!...  
  
(Raziel then impales the second and then chops him into bits.)  
  
Raziel: I'm gonna have nightmares for weeks...  
  
(He walks to the abyss platform.)  
  
Raziel: The place of execution had not changed even a little, my tomb and the womb of my rebirth.  
  
(Raziel is about to walks towards the edge where his territory was but slips on a banana peel *I know, how can a fruit be there* and falls into the abyss.)  
  
Raziel: *fading* not again...  
  
Me: Sorry it took so long I promise to have the 4th part out sooner, Bye! 


	4. Chapter 4: The drunkerd Raziel

Soul Reaver - Part 4: Drunken Raziel  
  
Me: Sorry for the delay of pt. 3 but I had a few distractions.  
  
Raziel: A banana peel?  
  
Me: What?  
  
Raziel: Nosgoth has no tropical lands!  
  
Me: Well in my fiction it does. : p  
  
Raziel: *sighs*  
  
Me: Well here it is..*Drum roll* part 4! :) Yeah. (Holds up tiny flag and waves it.)  
  
************************************************************** *************************  
  
(We come in after Raz had slipped and fallen into the abyss).  
  
Elder God: *laughing hysterically at Raziel slipping on the banana peel*  
  
Raziel: (fell flat on his face as he dissolved into spectral.) Oh shut up.  
  
Elder God: *still chuckling* As my agent you are beyond dea - (is cut off by Raziel)  
  
Raziel: I know I can't be destroyed and that if I am kill here I will return to this chamber.  
  
Elder God: Why do you interrupt all the time?  
  
Raziel: *Stupidly* I don't know. :)  
  
Elder God: *sighs*  
  
(Raziel uses the warp gate in the underworld to go to the one near the abyss.)  
  
Raziel: *after going material and walking onto the platform.) So here was my territory, unchanged even in the time I was gone, I was eager to see if my children, my clan, would recognize me, and possibly had some spare pants lying around.  
  
(He glides over to the small alcove and enters; he kills the Dumahim vampire and enters into his territory, he encounters two more vampires who are playing some odd game involving their fist.)  
  
Vamp #1: Ready?  
  
Vamp #2: Yeah  
  
Both: 3.2.1 GO! ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS SHOOT!  
  
(#1 has his fist in bald up and #2 has two fingers extended.)  
  
Vamp #1: HAH! Rock smashes scissors! You go first.  
  
Vamp #2: Darnit. :(  
  
(He attacks Raziel who removes a spear from the wall and impales him threw the chest.)  
  
Vamp #2: *exaggerated like some one in a Shakespearean play* Ack..aghhh..*cough, cough* ahh.  
  
(Flowers fly out of nowhere and land at his feet, an unseen- crowed burst into applause).  
  
Vamp #2: *bows several times and then keels over dead*  
  
Vamp #1: Bravo! Bravo! *Claps and whistles*  
  
Raziel: Oh shut-up.  
  
(Impales #1 through throat.)  
  
Raziel: Show-offs.  
  
(Looks around his clan territory).  
  
Raziel: My god  
  
My kin had been wiped from this world like s#%^ from a boot, or possibly could have gone on vacation.  
  
I knew, or least considered first the hand that has wrought this deed.  
  
(He goes into the next courtyard and kills the vampires hiding there, and then rummages around.)  
  
Raziel: I knew I left here somewhere.  
  
(He pulls out a bottle of ale that he hid in a small panel in the wall behind the fire.)  
  
Raziel: Yes My secret stash! :)  
  
(He begins to drink.)  
  
*1 hour later*  
  
(He is now drunk off his ass.)  
  
Drunk Raz: *slurring* now..I guzz I shood go ..searching this plaze.  
  
(He stumbles around, still carrying the bottle, and picks fights with vampires for no reason at all.)  
  
DR: WhAt arE you looooookin' at?  
  
Vampires: 0.o  
  
(He attacks them and wins easily because they can't counter his drunken movements.)  
  
Raziel: that'll teech ya fer callin' me Shirley.  
  
(He stumbles up the tower and then crosses the bridge and then enters that small courtyard, he climbs the stair and stops stupefied at the sight of the scrawny ass vampires who are attacking a human.)  
  
Human: *stoned* whoa look at that, the vampires are waving at me and stuff man, like that is so kool - (is killed by one of the vampires.)  
  
Vamp #1: *getting stoned from eating the stoner.* Dude look at my claw, it's all waving and yet I'm doing anything.  
  
Vamp #2: *laughing idiotically* Hey, hey look here, there's some blue dude coming at us.  
  
(Raziel stumbles towards the stoned vampires and joins them in a small party of drinking and inhaling the smoke from the human whom they decided to burn, which causes Raziel to become stoned and more drunk.)  
  
************************************************************** ************************* Me: See I promised to get 4 out quicker, now I have to figure out what to do in pt. 5. If you have any ideas, please post them in your reviews.  
  
Raziel: *still drunk* And bring me a six-pack.  
  
Me: Just ignore him, he doesn't know what he's saying.  
  
Kain: When do I appear!?!  
  
Me: Soon Kain, soon *pats him on the head and gives him a doggy treat.  
  
Please review and I will give you the power of a god. :) 


	5. Chapter 5: To Melchiah's house we go

Soul Reaver: Part 5 - To Melchiah's  
  
Me: Sorry about the delay I was just a little short on Ideas.  
  
Raziel: *still a little drunk* khhkfksdei hfjsfshj ballzac!  
  
Me: What?  
  
(Raziel continues to murmur incoherent words until he stumbles out of sight).  
  
Me: 0.o. anyway here's is part 5  
  
************************************************************** *************************  
  
(We come in a few hours after Raziel had gotten stoned and drunk with two Melchiahim vampires who he apparently killed by accident when he was trying to do a balancing act with two spears on his claws, he knocked one into the fire and impaled the other, both were obviously too stoned to notice and died laughing idiotically, So Raziel continues his journey until he stumbles into Necropolis).  
  
Raziel: *No longer drunk but with a HUGE hangover* OW my fricken head!  
  
Elder God: Seems that you had a lot of fun, have you done that before?  
  
Raziel: Yeah back at L.C (Lieutenant Camp.)  
  
Elder God: 0.o ooookkkkkaaaayyy.  
  
(Raziel continues, coming across a vampire hunter who jumps out at him.)  
  
Vamp Hunter: BOO!  
  
Raziel: 0.0 AGHHHH!!!  
  
Vamp Hunter: Sorry I thought you were a vampire.  
  
Raziel: I am.  
  
Vamp Hunter: 0.o you are? (looks closely at Raziel.)  
  
Raziel: DUH!  
  
Vamp Hunter: What happened?  
  
Raziel: Well my @$$hole of a master threw me into the abyss for growing wings.  
  
Vamp Hunter: Ouch, well I guess we're supposed to kill each other right?  
  
Raziel: *Shrugs* I guess.  
  
(They fight and Raziel wins easily.)  
  
Vamp Hunter: Tell my wife I.  
  
(Is stabbed in throat by Raziel.)  
  
Raziel: DON'T EVEN THINK OF DOING A DAMN DYING LINE!  
  
(Along the way he notices Melchiah's clan symbols all over the place and a few posters of the Backstreet boys.)  
  
Raziel: 0.o Well this is definitely Mel's clan, only he had a liking for those gay-sissy bastards.  
  
(He continues a little further and comes across a monument, it depicts Melchiah in his former vampire form.)  
  
My brother Melchiah, stupid looking isn't he, man he is so stupid one day when Kain and us were attacking a village he set himself on fire, then another time he broke Kain's favorite lamp and tried blaming it on Ariel. I mean god what was Kain thinking when he resurrected this dumbass. Well it seems the phrase ' like father like son' is definitely right on the money, his children rot and fall apart like him.  
  
(Raziel kills the vampires around the picture and then walks into the small alcove and encounters his first yet the simplest block puzzle.)  
  
Raziel V.O: *Not in the real game* Here was the first of many block puzzles which I would be driven mad by.  
  
(He completes the puzzle and continues and comes across more stoner Melchiahim vampires.)  
  
Raziel: What is this? Were they buddies of Dejoule, Bane Anacrothe?  
  
Elder God: Possibly.  
  
(He kills them and proceeds into the small Charnel house and then into the warp-gate room and then into the large lake like area.)  
  
Raziel: Great, more water and why is it I have to go all the way over there just to get a block on the ground to enter Mel's lair which is right over there!  
  
Elder God: Oh will stop your bitching and just get going.  
  
(Raz continues and leaps across the lake onto the tiny yet annoying to land on platforms that lead to the other side.)  
  
Raziel: *out of breath* I.hope. I.don't .have to that again much.  
  
(He continues inside and then comes into the small interior crypt, seeing that there is no obvious way out, he goes into spectral to see if he can find a way out. There he sees the first of not so many vampire Wraiths.)  
  
Raziel: O.O  
  
Elder God: These are the souls of vampires who have been trapped in the limbo dance of damnation for too long, they now hunger for souls also, do not allow them to return to their corpses.  
  
Raziel: *staring at the creatures appearance* Why do they look like that?  
  
Elder God: They've been watching "The Frighteners" too much.  
  
Raziel: O.o *slaps forehead and continues to fight wraith.)  
  
Wraith: *is gashed and screams like a little girl.* EKKKKKKKKKKK  
  
Raziel: *Holding head* AHHHH my hangover! God will you shut - up! *Bitch-slaps wraith which apparently kills it.*  
  
(He shakes his head and devours it's soul and continues into the next room and completes the second block puzzle which makes him a little ticked off.)  
  
Raziel: This is ridiculous.  
  
(He completes it and enters the chamber where he has to push the block out of the window and onto the other block. He then moves them to the little doorway that is suspended in the side of the wall.)  
  
Raziel: *sarcastically* Well that was a daring puzzle.  
  
(He walks along the path and enters Melchiah's lair, which seem to be covered in confetti and strewn with beer cans every where.)  
  
Raziel: I really wanted to be in this party.  
  
(He proceeds to Mel's inner chamber; it's puzzles having not been reactivated after Kain's party.)  
  
Raziel: Man he is a slob.  
  
(He proceeds to the area where there is a large misshapen shadow.)  
  
Raziel: Show yourself, Creature!  
  
Melchiah: Do you not recognize me, brother? Am I so changed?  
  
Raziel: Well yeah, you like cross between Jabba the Hut and that G-Mutation from Resident Evil 2.  
  
Melchiah: I think that was a rhetorical question Raziel, anyway, you should have stayed where the master sent you, Raziel. You will find that the bars on Nosgoth have been burned down.  
  
Raziel: Don't change the subject, what has become of my clan? Answer me you little fag, or I will beat an answer from your chapped lips.  
  
Melchiah: There not really mine, they used to belong to some hobo who I killed but that is beside the point, everyone is afraid, sibling. You awake to a world of stoners and Barbie doll fanatics. Do you think that doesn't scare me, I even fear Kain has become one.  
  
Kain: *Very distant* No I've haven't!  
  
Raziel & Melchiah: O.o  
  
Raziel: Enough talk of those horrid dolls - what are you saying?!  
  
Melchiah: I'm saying you are the last. to FRY.  
  
Raziel: Huh?  
  
Melchiah: O.o I mean die.  
  
Raziel: -.- Idiot  
  
(They fight and Raziel tricks his retarded little brother into two rooms with spiked gates and then finally into the large cage with the giant meat grinder in the ceiling.)  
  
Raziel: Tell Melchiah, who is Moebius' new lover and where can I find Kain?  
  
Melchiah: *Out of breath from chasing Raz* I.(huffing) don't know for sure, Dumah I think or Turel, and the master is beyond your reach, he only appears on Fridays and weekends for his usual magic act. He makes himself known when he sees fit - not when commanded.  
  
Raziel: Well, I'm about to pay him a visit and I didn't even bring a cake.  
  
(He pulls the switch, but instead of the grinder mashing Mel into paste, Sonya Blade of MK appears and does her kiss of death on Melchiah, who explodes, and then vanishes.)  
  
Melchiah: * As his soul rises* I am released. from this damn contract, WO WHO!  
  
Raziel: O.o that was weird.  
  
(He eats Melchiah's soul and falls to knees from impact.)  
  
Raziel: Hmmm. taste like meat loaf.  
  
Elder God: You have done well, Raziel.  
  
Raziel: Could have used some salt though, oh yeah!, Am I reduced to this? A ghoul? A fratricide? A food tester?  
  
Elder God: Elevated, Raziel, not reduced. Eating Melchiah's soul has granted you with a new gift. You can now phase through matter in.  
  
Raziel: OH COOL! *Runs into the bars*  
  
Elder God: .the spectral realm. Git.  
  
Raziel: *A little dizzy from doing that* OH. okay.  
  
(He goes spectral and exits Melchiah's lair, before walking away he places a 'For Sale' sign in front of it.)  
  
Raziel: *Humming* Gonna kick some Kain ass yes I am gonna. *is cut off as he slips on another banana peel and falls into the water.* ARRRGGGHHH!!! I'm melting. I'm Melting. Oh what a parody. oh.  
  
Elder God: *under breath* And I thought he hated it when people imitated lines like that.  
  
************************************************************** *************************  
  
Me: Sorry for the delay, I was just a little stumped as to what to do.  
  
Raziel: What is with the fruit?  
  
Me: I will never tell! MUHAHAHAHAH!  
  
Kain: That Barbie joke was uncalled for.  
  
Me: Oh be quit and go fetch the stick.  
  
(Throws a stick and Kain suddenly chases after it like a dog.)  
  
Me: See soon in part 6: Return of the jerk.  
  
Please review and I will give 300 hundred truckloads of weapons, candy and cool stuff. 


	6. Chapter 6: Return of the Jerk

Soul Reaver - part 6: Return of the Jerk.  
  
Notice: I do not own any of the characters from LOK, Newline, Fox or Disney.  
  
Me: Hello, sorry about the delay of 5, but as I've said I was a little stumped.  
  
Raziel: More fruit!?!  
  
Me: What?  
  
Raziel: Tell where you get this stuff.  
  
Me: No :p  
  
Raziel: Ah screw it.  
  
(He storms off.)  
  
Kain: I'm in this one YEAH! :)  
  
Me: Yes Kain we know. *Pats him on head*  
  
(Kain walks out of sight.)  
  
Me: I have included some special guests in this one, when you review tell what you think, so here it is - part 6.  
  
************************************************************** *************************  
  
(We arrive in the spectral realm where Raziel ended up after slipping on another banana peel and falling into the water.)  
  
Raziel: I'm gonna hunt down the one responsible for this damn peel business.  
  
(He looks around and spots three sets of gates, one contain a weird triangular thingy, he uses his phase ability to get a look at it.)  
  
Elder God: This is a health-up.  
  
Raziel: And?  
  
Elder God: It increases health, duh, collect five and win a wonderful prize!  
  
Raziel: What?  
  
Elder God: Oh sorry, I've always wanted to say that, anyway, get five to augment your strength.  
  
Raziel: What the hell that does mean?  
  
(Three bricks fly out of nowhere and hit his head, they even explode too.)  
  
Elder God: IT MEANS TO INCREASE THE CAPACITY OF YOUR HEALTH YOU GIT!  
  
Raziel: *Like an idiot* Oh.  
  
(He then looks at the other two gates, one seems to lead to the lake but the other looks like it leads to a chamber of some sorts.)  
  
Raziel: Might as well check it out.  
  
(He phases through the gate and then uses the material portal; he then observes the chamber, suddenly there is the sound of kazoos and confetti as a banner unfolds from the ceiling.)  
  
It reads: WINNER!  
  
(Suddenly hundreds of people appear and a man dressed in a smart business suit with a mic steps up to Raziel.)  
  
Man in suit: You are the lucky winner of the first ever *crowd yells with him* NOSGOTH GLYPH SPELL CONTEST!  
  
Raziel: O.o I. have?  
  
M.I.S: Yes indeed.  
  
Raziel: Who are you?  
  
M.I.S: I'm Mr. An Ass Hole but you can just call me A-hole.  
  
Raziel: O.O Okay.  
  
A-hole: Here is your first spell, the sound glyph, it can really mess up your vampire adversaries.  
  
Raziel: Thanks. I think.  
  
A-hole: Oh by the way, when you find the others, just tell them you're the contest winner.  
  
Raziel: I will *You mentally insane git*  
  
(He turns and leaves, the crowd for one annoying reason or another, keep on cheering until he goes spectral and exits to the next gate and makes his way to the abyss, he decides to take the warp-gate that was in the room before the lake.)  
  
Raziel: This warp may take a while.  
  
(An intermission sign appears and a little jingle plays, various characters appear in tiny bubbles.)  
  
Raziel: *Little popcorn tubs appear around him* I have chosen the large tub.  
  
Ariel: *Icees surround her* I hope they have Icees!  
  
Vorador: *Various snacks appear* Go get some snacks, perhaps a carbonated soda.  
  
Moebius: *Milkduds boxes appear* My nipples look like milkduds!  
  
Kain: *??? appear* I have some yellow liquid for your popcorn and it's not dairy!  
  
(Intermission ends and we see Raziel is advancing towards the Sanctuary of the Clans.)  
  
Raziel: Why the hell did you put that KungPow joke in?  
  
Me: Because I felt like it.  
  
Raziel: o_o Riigghhtt.  
  
(He goes spectral and enters, grabbing the health-up and returning to material, he walks into the courtyard with the large small ponds, posted on the walls are posters of Kain doing magic and showing his usual hours, suddenly the doors slam on both sides and two vampires appear.)  
  
Vampire #1: *With Boston accent* Heyo uh Jim do you what I see?  
  
Raziel: O.o  
  
Vampire #2: *With same accent* Yes I do Earl, say, what should we do with 'im?  
  
Vampire #1: I uh guess we should just kill him.  
  
Vampire #2: Okay.  
  
(They attack Raziel, who ducks a swing from the 1st and punches him the testicles.)  
  
Vampire #1: O~O *Groans in pain and falls over*  
  
(The 2nd lunges at Raz who impales him with a spear that was lying next to him.)  
  
Vampire #1: *Gets up* Hey you ass you just killed there Jim!  
  
(The 1st charges at Raziel who trips him into the water, after he devours both of their souls he proceeds into the ridiculously gated corridors.)  
  
Raziel: Since when does a great vampire lord need so many fricken' gates?  
  
(He goes spectral and phases through them until he reaches the entrance to the throne room, he goes material and enters, Kain is nowhere to be found.  
  
Raziel: ?  
  
(He suddenly hears music coming from behind Kain's throne and peers behind it, Kain is sitting on a chair playing a PS2, he's playing 'Devil May Cry'.)  
  
Raziel: O.O  
  
Kain: *Sees Raziel and doesn't seem surprised by his sudden appearance and says calmly* Raziel.  
  
Raziel: Kain!  
  
Kain: Raziel.  
  
Raziel: Kain!  
  
Kain: Raziel.  
  
Raziel: Kain!  
  
Me: Will you stop that!  
  
Kain: Sorry, uh oh yeah!, the abyss has been an ass to you.  
  
(He turns off his machine and begins to approach Raziel, causally but menacingly.)  
  
Raziel: I am your creation, Kain - now, as before. You criticize your own work. What have you done with my clan, ass clown! You have no right-  
  
Kain: What I have made, I can also beat the crap out of and destroy, child. Watch as I destroy this!  
  
(He pulls out dairy.)  
  
Raziel: O.O NOOO!!!  
  
(Kain destroys it.)  
  
Kain: See.  
  
Raziel: Damn you, Kain! You are not God! This act of Genocide is unconscionable!  
  
Kain: Conscience.? I killed Jiminy cricket! You dare speak to me of conscience? Only when you have felt the full gravity of choice should you dare to question my judgement!  
  
Your life's span is a flicker compared to the mass of doubt and regret that I have borne since Mortanius first got hooked on gambling, oh and turned me from the light also. To know that the fate of the world hangs on the advisedness of my every deed - can you even to conceive what action you would take, in my position?  
  
Raziel: Yep, I would first ban all fruit on Nosgoth and then possibly consider on destroying all block puzzles.  
  
Kain: Oh shut up and look around you, Raziel - see what has become of our empire, well mine really but you know what I mean, after that party. Witness the end of an age. The clans, scattered to the corners of Nosgoth with half of my supply of liquor missing.  
  
This place has outlasted its battery life -- as have you.  
  
(He draws the Soul Reaver from its scabbard; its energy makes it glow like a Christmas tree.)  
  
Raziel V.O: The Soul Reaver, Kain ancient blade - older than any of us, and a thousand times more deadly. Legends claimed that the blade was possessed by Casper the friendly ghost, and thrived by devouring happy meals by the truck loads, oh and the souls of it's victims. For all our stupidity, we knew what it meant when Kain drew the Soul Reaver in anger - it meant you were screwed.  
  
(Kain teleports around the room and zaps Raziel, who is sent into spectral, he soon returns to material.)  
  
Raziel: ASS! Time to use my secret weapon.  
  
(He reaches into his cowl and draws a gold ring that is attached to a chain and has many inscriptions on it, it seems to emit evil incantations, he throws it at Kain, who picks it up.)  
  
Kain: The ring of power? Why would I want this? I'm already as powerful as it is.  
  
Raziel: That's not the reason. *He grins*  
  
(Suddenly Gandalf appears and looks angrily at Kain.)  
  
Kain: O.O  
  
Gandalf: You shall never posses the power of the ring!  
  
(He smashes his staff hard into Kain's testicles, who drops to the floor in pain.)  
  
Gandalf: Here Frodo.  
  
(He hands the ring to a short man with bare furry feet.)  
  
Frodo: Thanks Gandalf.  
  
(He then kicks Kain square in the stomach.)  
  
Frodo: Git!  
  
Gandalf: We must return the ring to mount Doom! (Is that what it's called?)  
  
(He and Frodo vanish, Raziel walks up to Kain.)  
  
Raziel: HAH! Try and beat that!  
  
Kain: *Left eye twitching in pain and anger* Gladly!  
  
(He brings the Soul Reaver high over his head.)  
  
Raziel: eppp.  
  
(Kain brings the sword down on Raziel's head, causing the blade to explode with many special effects.)  
  
Kain: Ha! Take that ass! The blade is vanquished. So it unfolds. we are one step closer to buying that condo.  
  
(He vanishes as Raziel slips into spectral.)  
  
Raziel: OW! That f***ing hurt! *Now V.O* I swore I saw a glint of satisfaction if Kain's eye when the Soul Reaver was destroyed, he must have been thinking of a joke I guess. I did not understand the game Kain was playing, I usually need to see the instructions then I get it. But I knew a cheat code, and the finishing move.  
  
(He notices the Soul Reaver is there, now a wraith blade, was hovering in front of him.)  
  
Raziel: O.o  
  
(He idiotically touches; it flares to life and melds into his arm.)  
  
Raziel: O.O AAAGGGHHH!!! Get it off of me!  
  
Elder God: Calm down, it ain't gonna hurt you.  
  
Raziel: In the sequel it will.  
  
Elder God: Shhh! Your not supposed to beaware of that yet!  
  
Raziel: Oh yeah.  
  
Elder God: Now where were we? Oh yeah, from now on and forever more, you and this blade are inextricably bound.  
  
Raziel: O.o you mean like married?  
  
(A brick hits him on the head.)  
  
Elder God: NO! now let me finish.  
  
By destroying the blade.  
  
(He does another long speech, which puts Raziel to sleep again.)  
  
Elder God: RAZIEL!  
  
Raziel: *Bubble in nose pops* Whoa! I'm awake!  
  
Elder God: Ingrate.  
  
(A spirit suddenly drifts towards Raziel as he was grasping the sword.)  
  
Ariel: What the hell was all that noise!  
  
Raziel: O.o AH! G.G.GHOST!  
  
(He cowers.)  
  
Ariel: o_o Idiot.  
  
Raziel: Oh, sorry ugh, oh yeah, I did not intend to disturb your rest.  
  
Ariel: REST, how can I! I'm a spirit you git, a body is needed for sleep, flesh and bones are required to recline, and a pillow and some blankets too. No child all I do is watch Oprah all day, oh and the world decay, I think I saw a mountain collapse today. Ghastly past, insufferable future, and cargo pants, are they one and the same.? Am I always here?  
  
Raziel: Well you are here right now.  
  
Ariel: That's true.  
  
Raziel: Have you come to haunt these pillars?  
  
Ariel: Kain refused the sacrifice and the cool offer for a Mack card. The pillar of balance, corrupted to its apple core, stands as a paperweight to Kain's blind stupidity. Now they bind me here - my prison and eternal home, thanks to the avarice of that ass, your master, Kain.  
  
Raziel: That bastard can claim no allegiance or friendship from me, I already crossed his name off my holiday greeting card.  
  
Ariel: Then we share a common enemy, Raziel. Return here when you have need. Ariel remembers what others have forgotten.  
  
Raziel: Do you know where my car keys are?  
  
Ariel: No.  
  
Raziel: Damn. Well do you know where I should go next?  
  
Ariel: Far in the eastern mountains, a stifled titan stands in mute surrender - unwilling host to a parasitic swarm.  
  
Raziel: Come again?  
  
Ariel: Just go to the big gates you couldn't get through earlier.  
  
Raziel: Oh.  
  
(He walks out of the sanctuary, the Elder God tells him the same thing.)  
  
Raziel: Heard it.  
  
Elder God: Oh okay.  
  
************************************************************** *************************  
  
Me: Well I hope you liked it, I just thought of that L.O.T.R stuff today and decided to add it please tell what you think.  
  
Raziel: Do you know where my keys are?  
  
Me: :| No.  
  
Kain: Can I break more stuff?  
  
Me: Sure.  
  
(Make a ton of stuff appear and Kain begins to wreck it.)  
  
Ariel: My hair is flawed, its once beautiful shine now faded.  
  
Me: Oh shut up with that damn riddle talking!  
  
Please review and I will give the power of a god, truckloads of candy, weapons and cool stuff, plus I will let you all beat up Moebius.  
  
(Muffled cries come from closet behind him.)  
  
Just ignore that.  
  
Bye! 


	7. Chapter 7: Zephon the loony

Soul Reaver - chapter 7: Zephon is a loony.  
  
Note: I don't own LOK or Blackisle or Planescape novels.  
  
Me: I'm glad to see you guys loved pt.6.  
  
Raziel: You sure about my keys?  
  
Me: YES.  
  
(Raziel walks off and bugs random people about his damn keys.)  
  
Zephon: Finally my time to appear.  
  
Me: Yes Zephon, we know.  
  
Zephon: *Idiotically* ^__^  
  
Me: *Underbreath* Moron.  
  
Kain: Am I needed in this one?  
  
Me: No, you can go.  
  
Kain: Ok.  
  
(He returns to playing DMC.)  
  
Me: Well here it is, may I present - Pt. 7! *Blows a kazoo*  
  
************************************************************** *************************  
  
(We see Raziel heading towards the large gate that greeted him when he first exited the underworld.)  
  
Raziel: So apparently I can phase through this gate, right?  
  
Elder God: Yes.  
  
Raziel: Well why is it that in the sequel I can open a door that is just as big?  
  
Elder God: *Shrugs*  
  
(Raziel sighs, goes spectral and phases through the gate, he then uses the material portal, and he then walks up towards the large cathedral.)  
  
Raziel V.O: Once a testament to mankind's defiance of Kain's empire, they used to shoot spitballs and spit at us, bastards, this ridiculously large cathedral now stood derelict, the humans who worshiped here, centuries dead, or they could be vampires now. Its architects were really stoned when they made it, I mean they made the entrance with some weird lock only my soul reaver can open. Made of brass and stone, the cathedral speakers, once tuned to play Leonard Nimoy's record over and over, why would they do such a thing?, it now stood silent, and these vacant rooms were old and crummy.  
  
(He enters and encounters a Zephonim vampire.)  
  
Raziel: Eww! I hate spiders!  
  
(He kills it and stomps the crap out of its body. He proceeds into the center of the cathedral, the buildings are large tower like huts, and Zephon's clan symbols are every where, his symbol and many posters of N'sync.)  
  
Raziel: Zephon, the loony of the bunch.  
  
(Suddenly a whooshing electrical sound and a bright light appeared behind one of the huts, and a man with green skin, a floating skull, a woman with pale skin and a tail and a tall man walk around the hut into view.)  
  
Raziel: O.o  
  
Nameless one: *Gruff voice* Where are we?  
  
Mort: *Wise guy voice* I'm not sure, it doesn't look like Sigil anymore.  
  
Annah: *Scottish like voice* Well let's get the hell outta' here.  
  
Dakkon: *Enlightened like* Who's there?  
  
(They spot Raziel.)  
  
Raziel: Who are you people?  
  
(The Nameless one lunges at Raziel, who cuts his right arm off.)  
  
N.O: Gah!  
  
(He picks up his arm and places it on the stump, it suddenly reattaches as if it never had been cut off.)  
  
Raziel: O.O  
  
(They gang up and kill him, sending him to Spectral, he soon returns to material.)  
  
N.O, Mort, Annah, and Dakkon together: O.O But we killed you!  
  
Raziel: Wait! Hey you know, we seem to have a lot in common.  
  
N.O: It seems so.  
  
(They converse for a while and then the group bids Raziel goodbye.)  
  
Raziel: See you around sometime!  
  
Group: Farewell!  
  
(They vanish into another portal.)  
  
Raziel: What nice people.  
  
(He then climbs up the ledges to get into the inside of the cathedral. After about an hour of activating small air currents he finally has activated the large in ground airconditioner.)  
  
Raziel: Finally, it was pretty stuff for a whi -  
  
(He is cut off as he falls over edge and begins to fall towards the ground.)  
  
Raziel: AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhh *Deep breath* AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!  
  
(He grabs his wings and actually is lifted by the currents into the upper chamber.)  
  
Raziel: Phew.  
  
(The new room seems to have a long hallway that leads to a large block like object that seems to be in the way. He goes through the door that is placed in a large pane of glass, he explores the corridor, completing the most annoying block puzzles at current time.)  
  
Raziel: o__- *Eye twitching* This is really getting on my nerves!  
  
(He then is able to throw the switch that opens the large block and runs back to it; it keeps closing several moments before he can get in behind it.)  
  
Raziel: X  
  
(He decides to calm down by playing with a baseball and bat that were lying near the wheel that opens the block.)  
  
Raziel: ^__^ COOL!  
  
(He throws the ball up and then swings the bat, the ball is sent flying into the large glass window that was at the opposite end of the one with the door, it shatters into a thousand pieces.)  
  
Raziel: OPPS!  
  
Zephon: *Distant* THAT F****ING COST $500!  
  
Raziel: O.o  
  
(He drops the bat and runs towards where the block is; it is starting to close.)  
  
Raziel: Oh no you don't!  
  
(He jams a conveniently placed crowbar into the space between the block and then wedges it open, he finally enters.)  
  
Raziel: Finally.  
  
(He then pulls the block out of the way so he can actually go back when he wants. He decides to take the bat with him.)  
  
Raziel ^o^ *Devilish grin*  
  
(He explores around and eventually finds a room with weird crystals on the floor.)  
  
Elder God: Just to give a hint, you'll have to complete more block puzzles to destroy the crystals.  
  
Raziel: Screw that!  
  
(He smashes the crystals with his new bat.)  
  
Raziel: I love then thing! I'm calling you 'Battey'.  
  
Elder God: -__- Rigghhtt.  
  
(Raziel ignores the comment and then enters the next level via the new airconditioner, he then explores some more and finally finds a large room with an organ like instrument in the back.)  
  
Raziel: What the hell?  
  
(He inspects it and then notices a plug cord leading from the back of it into a small room on a ledge in front of the large instrument.)  
  
Raziel: Hmm.  
  
(He goes to check it out and finds the cord has been unplugged.)  
  
Raziel: Might as well see what happens.  
  
Bad idea.  
  
(As soon as he plugs it in, and a terrible song play, instead of the whistle noise, in the chamber with the organ, which turns out to be a giant speaker.)  
  
Leonard Nimoy: *singing* If I had a hammer.  
  
Raziel: O MAKE IT STOP!!!  
  
(He runs into the room and finds several dead Zephonim vampires dead, killed themselves to so they didn't suffer that cursed singing.)  
  
Raziel: Poor things.  
  
(He then rushes at the speaker and begins to smash it up.)  
  
Raziel: Take that! And that! Your album sucked and still does!  
  
(He smashes the thing into nothing but pieces of plastic and heaps of wiring.)  
  
Raziel: Now I see why it was unplugged.  
  
(He then continues until he finally reaches the doorway to Zephon's chamber.)  
  
Raziel: Time to see what he has become.  
  
(He enters and finds that Zephon has become a large spider, duh, he is seen with headphones on, listening to a N'sync album.)  
  
Zephon: *Unaware of Raziel* I love this song!  
  
Raziel: *Cuts the cord on headphones*  
  
Zephon: Hey! Oh uh, The prodigal son. There is no returning for you, Raziel.  
  
(He pulls a lever and door slams shut to point.)  
  
Raziel: Zephon, your frightening personality becomes you. It's an appropriate reflection of your bad taste in music.  
  
Zephon: And you are not his handsome Raziel anymore. His precious first-born son, turn betrayer and drunkard. You have missed many changes, the burning of our beloved bars, the erecting of the first all vampire brothels; they burned too and then the ultimate annihilation of jazz music. Look around you. See how the humans' weapon of destruction and only porno store has become my home. Indeed I may be a hideous spider thingy. All I do now is watch a pupating world and reruns of 'Friends'.  
  
Raziel: A corner for you to cower in, wimp, only appearing from the shadows to buy groceries, and people already ensnared in your web. But you made the mistake to leave me unbound, and it is you who will be the bitch.  
  
Zephon: Bitches. instinct. reflex action. the insect mind is too small and stupid to know that. I warn you, I Kung fu. Also as my size has grown, it is matched by my hunger. Step forward, hamburger.  
  
Raziel: What?  
  
Zephon: *Stupidly* Huh?  
  
(Zephon knocks the bat from Raziel's hand; it lands on the flame-thrower and is set ablaze.)  
  
Raziel: BATTEY! NO!  
  
(He mourns the fallen bat for many moments.)  
  
Zephon: You named a stupid bat?!?  
  
Raziel: He wasn't stupid! ASS!  
  
(He picks up the flame-thrower.)  
  
Zephon: O.O Oh crap.  
  
Raziel: FRY BITCH FRY!  
  
(He pulls trigger and sets Zephon on fire.)  
  
Zephon: AGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!  
  
Raziel: BURN BABY BURN!  
  
(Zephon disintegrates into ashes, his soul rising up. Raziel devours it.)  
  
Raziel: Hmm taste like pork.  
  
Elder God: Devouring Zephon's soul has now given you the ability to scale walls.  
  
Raziel: EXCELENT!  
  
(He runs up a wall and tries to stick, but keeps sliding off.)  
  
Elder God: Moron, you can only climb walls with those weird little bumps in them.  
  
Raziel: What a rip-off, who were the designers?  
  
Elder God: I don't know.  
  
(Raziel sighs and decides to take the warp gate to the abyss from there he returns to the sanctuary to see Ariel, he steps on her platform and she appears, he bows.)  
  
Raziel: *Chanting* Oh great half-faced bitch tell me where to go next.  
  
(She scowls at him for calling her a bitch then says.)  
  
Ariel: Like a corpse in a shallow grave, corruption rises to the surface. Beyond these pillars, defiled victim mutely screams its outrage.  
  
Raziel: What?  
  
Ariel: *Slaps forehead* See that odd wall over there?  
  
Raziel: Yes.  
  
Ariel: Climb up it and go through the door to the crypt that lies beyond.  
  
Raziel: Oh  
  
(He does so, as he exits through the door Ariel says.)  
  
Ariel: Literary impaired Git!  
  
************************************************************** *************************  
  
Me: Well how'd you like it?  
  
Raziel: I hate block puzzles.  
  
Me: We know, we know.  
  
Please review and I will give you all ten truckloads of weapons, candy, cool stuff and giant robots of ultimate destruction. Plus I'll even give you all another beat on Moebius.  
  
Moebius: *Still in pain from Angel Chan's beating she gave him* Pleas n..n..no.  
  
TS Moe.  
  
Bye! 


	8. Chapter 8: A tomb guardian, an abandoned...

Soul Reaver - chapter 8: The crypt keeper house?!? Cool!  
  
Notice: I do not own the show 'Tales from the crypt', 'The surf shack' store or Dr. Seuss  
  
Me: Well it's good to see you guys love this stuff.  
  
Raziel: Where am I supposed to go now? *Kain bashes his Head in with metal bat*  
  
Me: Thanks Kain.  
  
Kain: ^_^ No prob'.  
  
(He vanishes.)  
  
Me: In today's episode: Grace finds that Will is cheat- opps sorry wrong show, today Raziel will discover a shocking fact about his past.  
  
Raziel: I was a celebrity!?  
  
Me: -__- No.  
  
Raziel: Aww.  
  
Me: Also we may reveal some light on the mysterious fruit appearances.  
  
Raziel: WHO IS IT!  
  
Me: ^__^ I'm not tellin' you.  
  
(Raziel storms out, muttering about how he's gonna kill the fruit placer, whom ever it may be.)  
  
Me: Well here it is, part 8. BOYEAH!  
  
************************************************************** *************************  
  
(We come in as Raziel makes his way through the small canyon like area that was behind the door in Kain's throne room.)  
  
Raziel: COOL! I didn't know we had a backyard!  
  
Elder God: I don't that's what it is, Raziel.  
  
Raziel: Oh well, might as well check it out.  
  
(He navigates through the area until he reaches the tomb of the Sarafan.)  
  
Raziel: The ancient tomb of the Sarafan, strange, it almost resembles the keep in the sequel, once impenetrably sealed. Now, ravaged by Nosgoth's hangover upheavals, its mysteries lay exposed.  
  
In the time of Vorador, and before hippies, centuries before Kain was made, the Sarafan warrior priest, and nuns, waged a merciless war against the vampire tribes of Nosgoth, some dispute over which was better, bread buttered right side up, or upside down. Emboldened by righteousness, and one mean-ass attitude, they committed unspeakable and indiscriminate acts of violence, and terrible river dancing - massacring fledglings and ancients alike, they decimated entire bloodlines *bastards* in mere decades. Now their husks and prized grandfather clock lay here - a$$holes enshrined.  
  
(He goes spectral and phases through the gate, then he returns to material.)  
  
Elder God: Take heed, Raziel. A forgotten history lies within. Know thyself and thine hairstylist - it may destroy you.  
  
(Raziel continues until.)  
  
Crypt Keeper: Hello  
  
Raziel: AHH!  
  
CK: Have you come to hear a tale?  
  
Raziel: Ah, no, not really.  
  
CK: Then why have you come here?  
  
Raziel: Because a giant squid and a half face ghost told me to.  
  
CK: Oh.  
  
Raziel: What are you doing here?  
  
CK: I spin the stories of 'Tales from the Crypt'.  
  
Raziel: I think you may be in the wrong place.  
  
CK: Oh dammit, I knew I shouldn't have trusted the mummy to bringing me back home.  
  
(He vanishes.)  
  
CK: *While fading* HEHEHE! *Echoes*  
  
Raziel: Okay.  
  
(He continues into the crypt until he comes across a block blocking the way, no pun.)  
  
Raziel: *Eye twitching at the sight of the block* Grr.  
  
(He begins to move it out of the way.)  
  
Raziel V.O: As I pulled the stone free, a sigh of sepulchral air, and centuries old sweat sock escaped the inner chamber. I was not prepared for what lay beyond this threshold.  
  
(He enters and finds beer cans and magazines all over the place, plus the open crypts bearing his and his brethren's' names.)  
  
Raziel: These crypts. defiled caskets of Sarafan saints. bearing my brothers' names. And my own. The irony of Kain's blasphemous act, and bad cover up, rushed in as on me with the crushing force of a baseball bat against the skull.  
  
Were my hands not as bloody and stank of liquor as these? Worse, I had spilled the blood of my homies - these very comrades whose tombs lay ravaged before me.  
  
Elder God: SEE! I told you to be prepared for what was inside. Yes, Raziel - you were Sarafan, and chairman of the Nosgoth gun club. born of the same force that all but kicked the crap out of your race. Before the dawn of the Internet and the empire, you were chosen.  
  
Kain -- Nosgoth's solitary and poker champ, self-declared monarch -- plundered and pissed on this tomb and raised you from these crypts. Breathing his vampire gift into your defiled corpses, he resurrected you as his favored sons.  
  
Raziel: Eww! He breathed it into our mouths?  
  
Elder God: That's how it seems.  
  
Raziel: *Faints for a minute*  
  
(He eventually recovers and looks around.)  
  
Raziel: Well, where do I go next?  
  
Elder God: I don't know.  
  
Raziel: But you're an all-powerful god, you're supposed to know every thing!  
  
Elder God: Don't tell me my job and I won't tell you yours!  
  
Raziel: But you do, you tell me where to go.  
  
(He gets bored and decides to go spectral, but he didn't know that the floor becomes a hole when he does that.)  
  
Raziel: *Falls* AGHHH!!!  
  
(He hits the ground below.)  
  
Elder God: *Laughing hysterically at this* HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
Raziel: Hey! Shut-up!  
  
(He brushes him self off, then phases through the gate and then uses the material plane portal in the small alcove to the left of the center platform, behind him on the platform is a vampire holding a box of banana peels.)  
  
Tomb Guardian: Geh! *Hides behind a column*  
  
Raziel: Huh?  
  
(He jumps to platform on, the Guardian reveals him self.)  
  
TG: *Holding up a stop sign* Heretic! You shall not pass.  
  
Raziel: Such loyal, and bad spelling on the sign. to one who has you guarding this outpost like a chained dog. Do you prosper on the leftovers he throws out?  
  
TG: No, I have to get take out every day. Your insults will do nothing to blunt agonies of your demise.  
  
Raziel: Kain killed me once -- behold the result. I have no more to fear from you, hey what's that?  
  
(He sees the box of peels.)  
  
Raziel: *Bursting into fit of anger* YOU'RE THE ONE WHOSE BEEN LEAVING THOSE THINGS AROUND!  
  
TG: No I'm not! I swear!  
  
Raziel: That's what they all say.  
  
(He charges and knocks the Guardian into the water.)  
  
TG: AHHHH!!! IT BURNS MOMMY AHHH!!!  
  
(He dies and then Raziel eats his soul.)  
  
Raziel: Hmm. cherry flavored.  
  
Elder God: He was telling the truth, he was only the base player, the real peel menace is still afoot.  
  
Raziel: DAMN!  
  
Elder God: Anyway, this relic allows you to make bubbles that can knock things around.  
  
Raziel: NEATO!  
  
(He tries to blow a bubble in his mouth like the Guardian could.)  
  
Elder God: *Underbreath Why did I get him from the 'Raise a dead guy to be your agent' ad column?  
  
You can make a projectile come out of your hand!  
  
Raziel: Oh.  
  
(He uses it several times, trying to act like a guy from DBZ as he does one.)  
  
Raziel: *laughing idiotically*  
  
Elder God: Are quit done yet?  
  
Raziel: No! *Continues for a few minutes* Okay I'm bored.  
  
Elder God: *Falls over anime style*  
  
(Raziel uses the new ability to knock the small panel out of the wall and then navigates his way out. He then returns to the sanctuary to see Ariel, he catches her with rollers on her hair.)  
  
Raziel: Whoops!  
  
Ariel: What do you want?  
  
Raziel: Where do I go next?  
  
Ariel: Can't you just find your own way around?  
  
Raziel: *Moronically* No.  
  
(Ariel sighs.)  
  
Ariel: North of the Sarafan tomb, a desecrated abbey languishes, half-drowned.  
  
Raziel: o_o?  
  
Ariel: Go back to the crypt, look for a room with a block inside a cage and phase into it!  
  
Raziel: Why didn't you say so?  
  
(Ariel drops 16-ton weight on his head.)  
  
Raziel: Owie.  
  
(He recovers and then returns to the crypt, then he makes his way to the room with the cage, from there he enters into the cavern with the sunken ship and then gets to the door with the room with the one door to the warp gate and the other to the abbey.)  
  
Raziel: Whoa.  
  
Elder God: Once and a sanctuary against the vampire menace, and Nosgoth's only fitness center, this abbey was shut down when they hired Richard Simmons, drowned by the deluge spilling from this wounded land. Your brother Rahab and his brood, devastated by its closure and even the feeble rays of Nosgoth's sun, overcame their vulnerability to water and retreated from the surface like little pansies. Now they haunt these ruins, and glide in the darkness of its stagnant depths, with flippers and goggles.  
  
Raziel: You sure this is Rahab's place?  
  
(He suddenly sees Rahab's symbols and posters of 'Dreamstreet'.)  
  
Elder God: Does that answer your question?  
  
Raziel: Rahab, we really worried about him. Well it's looks like I'll be a wile, *Turns to us* you better go read a book or something.  
  
An hour or so later, after navigating through the abbey and making nearly impossible jumps to platforms in the middle of water, Raziel finally makes it to Rahab's chapter house.  
  
(He rings the bell.)  
  
Raziel: Hello? Is anybody there?  
  
(He shrugs and enters, he then has to enter Spectral to enter the main room, from there he has to jump to on the pillars which in spectral are arranged like steps, upon reaching the top he goes material, on the edge of one pillar is a toaster.)  
  
Raziel: Hello?  
  
(Suddenly Rahab surfaces; he has his hair grown down to the middle of his back and is wearing suntan lotion.)  
  
Rahab: *With a surfer dude voice* Whoa, like what's up Raziel, wanna catch some waves or get some toastage?  
  
Raziel: Rahab, I see you have adapted well to your environment, for one who dresses like a hippie.  
  
Rahab: Dude, do not mock the Hab-man, Razi-dude. You, of all us, should respect a tubular power bestowed by a limitation overcome. Kain said you'd like come.  
  
Raziel: You speak with the murderer?  
  
Rahab: You should, like, hold your blasphemous tongue.  
  
Raziel: What more did he tell you? *Mocking* dude.  
  
Rahab: That you'd, like kill me or somethin'.  
  
Raziel: I will indeed, But tell me, before I kick your ass, do you know where my car keys are/  
  
Rahab: *Falls over anime style in water, then gets up* NO!  
  
Raziel: Well, do you at least know what we were before Kain spawned us?  
  
Rahab: Like, Humans, duh.  
  
Raziel: Sarafan, and some pretty bad ass ones too, the antithesis we believed in.  
  
Rahab: Does it matter? -  
  
Raziel: YES!  
  
Rahab: - We were lost. He liked, saved us and all.  
  
Raziel: Saved us? From what?  
  
Rahab: From ourselves. Now It's like, time to bake dude!  
  
Raziel: What?  
  
Rahab: Die.  
  
Raziel: Moron.  
  
(He ducks Rahab's attacks and then tries to think of a way to beat him.)  
  
Raziel: I know.  
  
(He smashes the windows, but due to the fact that Rahab has the tan on, it keeps him from being burnt.)  
  
Raziel: Damn, *Remembers the toaster* Ahah!  
  
(He kicks the toaster in the water, Rahab is electrocuted.)  
  
Rahab: I am, like, toast dude.  
  
(He dies and Raziel eats his soul.)  
  
Raziel: Hmm. Taste like fishsticks.  
  
Elder God: You can now swim in water.  
  
Raziel: Awesome!  
  
(He jumps in, but since he just ate, he gets a cramp and drowns.)  
  
Elder God: You should have waited.  
  
(Raziel returns to the material realm and then heads back to the sanctuary.)  
  
Ariel: Let me guess. You need to know where to next?  
  
Raziel: Yep.  
  
Ariel: Beyond the cliffs that witnessed your execution, a silent city sits in frozen tableau. Locked in eternal limbo, they await redemption, or release.  
  
Raziel: Could you repeat that?  
  
Ariel: Go to the second platform near the abyss and go to the cave near it and then find Dumah's place.  
  
(She then drops a ship, 50-ton weight, a minivan and various other things on Raziel.)  
  
Raziel: Ouchies!  
  
************************************************************** *************************  
  
Me: Well I hoped you liked it.  
  
Raziel: Banana phantom, I will find you!  
  
Me: Shut up.  
  
Please review and I will give you all 50 truck loads of weapons, cool stuff, candy giant robots of doom, voodoo Moebius dolls and allow you all to kick the crap out of him at the same time with any weapon of choice!  
  
Bye! 


	9. Chapter 9: Dumah: The jackass

Soul Reaver - Chapter 9: Dumah, the almighty jackass.  
  
Notice: Don't own Harry Potter, Britney Spears or the various objects.  
  
Me: Well, here we are, nine chapters, I thought I'd be done sooner.  
  
Moebius: Please no more beatings! I beg- *Is tackled by everyone who has reviewed my fanfic.*  
  
Me: ~_o Ow. Oh.  
  
OoO Angel-Chan did not just use that.  
  
O_o Whoa. I didn't know Venris could jump that high!  
  
o_o Who knew Concept had a spiked mace. O_O OH MY GOD! Poor Moe is gonna need a lot of duct tape and glue down there.  
  
Moebius: *After severe beating and everyone left* Help. me.  
  
Me: Hold on a sec, *Turns to look at you* Well here's pt. 9!  
  
(I Pull out a sword handle, suddenly a huge ass blade materializes on it.)  
  
Me: *In a sing-song like voice* Oh Moeby.  
  
Moebius: OoO N.N.NOOOOOOO!!! *Echoes into distance*  
  
************************************************************** *************************  
  
(We arrive as Raziel is heading towards the abyss; he is rubbing his head after all that junk Ariel dropped on him.)  
  
Distant cry (Moebius): NNNOOOOOO!!!  
  
Raziel: *Jumps in alarm* What was that!?!  
  
Me: *With Disembodied voice* Nothing, just keep going.  
  
Raziel: Oh, okay.  
  
(He continues until he reaches the first platform of the abyss, he pauses when he sees several people fighting the second one, he sees a two young boys, both wearing black cloak-like robes, one has black hair and glasses, while the other has blonde hair and a sneery face.)  
  
Raziel: O_o  
  
Harry: Take this Malfoy!  
  
(He shots a ball of energy at the other boy; it explodes on contact and sends the boy flying.)  
  
Other kids: Yay Harry!  
  
(The boy Malfoy staggers up and then collapses, all of a sudden everyone vanishes, leaving only the fading cheers.)  
  
Raziel: O_o strange.  
  
(He continues into the cave that lies directly across from the platform, he then climbs the pillar like bridge and glides to Dumah's citadel and stops, gasping at the sight within, it is a ghost town like his clan and there are corpses every where.)  
  
Raziel: This city once teemed with the life of my kind, and secretly some leftover lawyers. Could it be that other clans had suffered the same fate or possible vacation as mine? In his mad drunkenness, could Kain spare none of his brood?  
  
Elder God: It was not Kain but Dumah's - *Another long speech*  
  
(You know what happens.)  
  
Elder God: - with little resista - DAMN IT RAZIEL!  
  
Raziel: *Bubble pops* Huh?!?  
  
Elder God: I'VE IT WITH YOU FALLING ASLEEP AT MY SPEECHES!  
  
Raziel: Well, maybe I'd listen if you were not so boring.  
  
Elder God: THAT'S IT!  
  
(Suddenly the moon, a huge ship, a minivan, a monster truck, an elephant, a whale and many other things hover above his head.)  
  
Raziel: O_O mommy.  
  
(The stuff falls on him.)  
  
Elder God: That'll teach you.  
  
Raziel: Ow.  
  
(After two weeks of recovery, Raziel finally enters Dumah's lair; he comes across several poster of.)  
  
Raziel: *Gasps of horror and revulsion* Britney Spears!  
  
(Yes, upon hundreds of posters are hanging about the entire city.)  
  
Raziel: Dumah, I'm not even gonna go there.  
  
(He continues on and eventually makes it to the entrance to Dumah's throne room.)  
  
Raziel: Now to kill that gay, pansy-ass, Britney Spear's lovin' fagget.  
  
Dumahim Vampire #1: Hey that's our daddy you're talking about.  
  
D. Vamp #2: Yeah! Ya a-hole!  
  
A-Hole: Yes?  
  
D.V's and Raziel: NOT YOU!  
  
A-Hole: Oh okay. *Vanishes*  
  
Raziel: Git.  
  
(He fights the two vampires and wins then he realizes he needed to knock the large pillar over.)  
  
Raziel: Oh Dammit!  
  
(He kicks the cage, which causes two reactions: 1st- the front part of the cage tips forward and hits the pillar. 2nd- the pillar tips over and well you can guess what happens next.) :)  
  
Raziel: O_o oh sh- *Is squashed*  
  
(He grumbles and then makes his way into the throne room there he meets Dumah's disembodied spirit.)  
  
Dumah: Come to kick my ass, prodigal brother?  
  
Raziel: Yep.  
  
(Raziel then goes material and spots Dumah's body, it has a cloak covering his lower body and is impaled by several spears.)  
  
Raziel: My brother, Dumah - a powerful warrior and sushi chief, in life. He would have drunkenly burned with shame, to leave me with this opportunity to take photos of him.  
  
(He does so for a few minutes, he then gets bored and decides to remove the spears.)  
  
Dumah: Ah! Yes that feels good.  
  
Raziel: Well.  
  
Dumah: Well what?  
  
Raziel: Are you gonna thank me?  
  
Dumah: No. MUHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!  
  
Raziel: Ungrateful ass.  
  
Dumah: Unbound at last, whoop, almost forgot this one.  
  
(He reaches behind himself.)  
  
The Following scene has been cut due to the sick and wrong thing that was done to him, you can pretty much guess what was done to him, I think I'm gonna hurl.  
  
Dumah: - it feels great to have that out of there.  
  
Raziel: OoO *Faints from disgust and shock*  
  
(He recovers and the scene continues.)  
  
Dumah: Unbound at last from that restraining order. I thank you, brother.  
  
Raziel: Finally, your thanks are premature and not thoroughly cooked, Dumah. I have not forgotten whose hand shoved me into that well, and bore me into the abyss.  
  
Dumah: The centuries in drug rehab and limbo have honed my strength and resistance *Fights urge to smoke*. Not even Kain is my equal in a drinking contest.  
  
Raziel: You lie, no one can be beat him, not even Vorador could beat him. Even the strongest vampire is vulnerable.  
  
Dumah: Yeah right, we shall test your thesis, Raziel.  
  
Raziel: My blood-thirst has been superceded by an even darker hunger. I will consume your soul and all you beer before the day is done.  
  
Dumah: No not my stash, I kill you before you can, now prepare to barbecue!  
  
Raziel: Not again.  
  
Dumah: I mean Die!  
  
(He throws off his cloak to reveal - gasp! A jump suit and a head microphone, and the windows shatter to reveal giant speakers dropping in.)  
  
Raziel: OoO Oh my god you're not a.a.  
  
Dumah: Yes. I. am. a. BACK-UP DANCER FOR BRITNEY SPEARS! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
Raziel: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Dumah: *begins to dance to a song and speaker flare to life*  
  
Raziel: *Deep breath* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!  
  
(Suddenly there is a flash of light and then a clunk and something made of metal slides towards Raziel.)  
  
Raziel: Huh? A bat?  
  
Metal Battey: I have been reborn, Raziel.  
  
Raziel: BATTEY!  
  
(He and the bat hug for a moment and then together, Raziel smashes the speakers.)  
  
Dumah: *Stops singing as soon as speakers are gone* Hey! @$$hole! Those were my only ones.  
  
M. Battey: I'm sorry my friend but I must go.  
  
Raziel: *Tearful* NO. Please don't go.  
  
M. Battey: Good Bye my friend.  
  
(He suddenly floats up towards the heaven and vanishes.)  
  
Dumah: Aww that was touching, now I'm gonna kick your ass for breaking my speakers!  
  
Raziel: o_o Eppp. *Runs away*  
  
(Dumah chases after in close pursuit, but for some reason if Raziel gets more than five feet from him, he stops or runs back to his throne room.)  
  
Dumah: Forget it.  
  
Raziel: Oh for the love of god.  
  
(He high kicks Dumah in the nuts.)  
  
Dumah: X *Falls to ground*  
  
(Raziel grabs something from a box on the throne and pulls out a DVD.)  
  
Dumah: NO! NOT MY ONE OF A KIND GOLD EDITION OF 'CROSSROADS' THAT IS AUTOGRAPHED BY BRITNEY HERSELF!  
  
Raziel: *Grins evilly and runs off*  
  
(Dumah gives chase and tries to catch his older brother but can't get close enough to him, Raziel soon tricks him into the furnace, he runs up to the lever and waits, Dumah runs into the middle.)  
  
Dumah: Please.  
  
Raziel: No.  
  
Dumah: I promise I won't destroy you if you just hand it back.  
  
Raziel: Hmmm, no.  
  
(He throws it up into the air.)  
  
Dumah: *Gasp and tries to catch it*  
  
(He does so.)  
  
Raziel: Hehehehehe.  
  
(He pulls the lever in front of him.)  
  
Dumah: *Hears fire about to burst through the two burners* Oh crap.  
  
(Is burned into ashes, but for some reason the DVD won't burn.)  
  
Raziel: What the? *He tries to burn about a hundred times but to no avail*  
  
(He gives up and then eats Dumah's soul.)  
  
Raziel: Hmmm. Taste like chicken Mcnuggets.  
  
Elder God: You can now, for this game only, do a cool constriction thing attack.  
  
Raziel: What?  
  
Elder God: You can make a band of spectral energy come out of your ankles and use it to turn otherwise immovable objects.  
  
Raziel: Oh cool.  
  
(He tries it on a jar of pickles that was in Dumah's fridge.)  
  
Elder God: What the hell are you doing?  
  
Raziel: I couldn't open this and neither could the other, now I have opened this stubborn bottle. HAHA!  
  
Elder God: *Falls over Anime style*  
  
(Raziel leaves and like the other lairs, he leaves a 'For sale' sign out front. He then uses the warp gate in south from the entrance of the lair and returns to the pillars.)  
  
Ariel: Again.  
  
Raziel: Yep.  
  
Ariel: In the bowels of an inverted clockwork, the tormentor awaits. Be wary, Raziel - those blind with rage are by destiny ensnared.  
  
Raziel: Whoseawhat'sa?  
  
Ariel: It mean's Kain is waiting in a large chamber and if you go there while your angry you will fail.  
  
Raziel: Oh.  
  
(Has a multitude of things fall on his head.)  
  
Raziel: Ow.  
  
(He crawls out and then walks back to the abyss.)  
  
Raziel: Soon this will all be over, but there is the fact that I'll be called back soon to film the sequel.  
  
(He suddenly slips on a banana peel, again.)  
  
Raziel: That does it!  
  
************************************************************** *************************  
  
Me: *Standing a few feet from a brutally beaten Moebius* Well that was fun.  
  
Moebius: *groaning*  
  
Me: Oh shut up.  
  
Raziel: Again?!?  
  
Me: What?  
  
Raziel: I will find you banana peel bandit-placer-guy-jerk, ah forget it.  
  
Me: Well It's time to end this chapter, opps almost forgot. Everybody.  
  
(Suddenly the whole cast of LOK appear, yes everyone from BO, BO2, SR and SR2 gather up and I stand in the front.)  
  
Me: All together now!  
  
Everyone and me: MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!  
  
Moebius: *very weakly* An.a.and t.to all good night! *Collapses in pain, everyone then gathers around to beat him.*  
  
Please review and I will give you every thing I have given in the last chapters, have a nice holiday!  
  
(I then join them.)  
  
Peace! 


	10. Chapter 10: Glyph hunting, magic acts an...

Soul Reaver - Chapter Ten: A little break from the journey.  
  
Notice: Don't own anything but the computer I write this on.  
  
Me: Sorry about the delay had to get over the Christmas excitement. Well this chapter is about Raziel finding the other glyphs and going to the human city.  
  
Raziel: How many? How many more chapters must I suffer through?  
  
Me: Many. As many as I want! MUHAHAHAHHAHA!!!  
  
Raziel: Damn.  
  
Me: Well here it is, Pt. 10!  
  
************************************************************** *************************  
  
(We come as Raziel is finishing coursing the latest banana peel to slip him, he stops and thinks about something.)  
  
Raziel: You know. I should go and get the last of those glyph thingys that A-Hole mentioned.  
  
(He then goes in search of them. Now I will split up each finding of the glyphs so as not to bore you with the details of the travel.  
  
***Earth Glyph***  
  
(After traversing through the giant skull that resembles Nuraptor's retreat. Raziel arrives in the room with the Greek like statue.)  
  
Raziel: Hello? A-Hole? Someone?  
  
(Suddenly, like before, people drop out of nowhere and surprise him.)  
  
Raziel: GAH! Don't do that!  
  
(A woman dressed fancy like walks up to him.)  
  
Woman: CONGRATUATIONS! You are the winner of the Earth Glyph!  
  
Raziel: I know, A-Hole sent me.  
  
Woman: An ass hole? He's my brother.  
  
Raziel: O.o He is?  
  
Woman: Yes. My name is Ima gonna kill ya'.  
  
Raziel: O.o Okay.  
  
Ima: Here's your prize.  
  
(She hands him the glyph and then leaves; everyone else vanishes like last time.)  
  
Raziel: Must have been a strange family.  
  
***Fire Glyph***  
  
(After the ridiculous running back and forth, Raziel makes it into the glyphs' chamber, again everyone appears again.)  
  
Raziel: I'm glad that if I had a heart attack, I can just come back.  
  
(This time a man appears.)  
  
Man: Hello, I'm Andy Jackass, but you can just call Jackass.  
  
Raziel: O.o *Blinks*  
  
Jackass: Here's your glyph sir.  
  
(Hands Raziel the Fire glyph.)  
  
Raziel: Thanks.  
  
(He leaves, the crowd doing the annoying cheering.)  
  
***Force glyph***  
  
(Blah de blah, he gets to the room containing the glyph, the crowd and a man appear.)  
  
Man: Hello I'm Harry Ballsac.  
  
Raziel: O.o Right.  
  
Ballsac: Here's the Force glyph.  
  
Raziel: Cool, does that mean I grab people by the throat and choke them from far away?  
  
Ballsac: No.  
  
Raziel: Damn.  
  
(He walks out, the crowd being a bunch of morons again.)  
  
***Fire glyph***  
  
Raziel: Here was the place I had only one F*****G demo in, no solving a few puzzle and then movie showing me about to fight some one just a simple climb up this mountain and entering a cave.  
  
(He enters the building and solves the annoying machine puzzle, the annoying one that I didn't figure out for a while, and then enters the small temple like place.)  
  
Raziel: Why is that the glyph is all the way out in this place when I had to go about 2 miles underground to solve the damn puzzle?  
  
(He enters the small room, all of sudden the crowd, now twice as huge, appear and two men walk towards him.)  
  
Man #1: *with a voice like Joe Pecci* Hello, ya mook, I'm Tony.  
  
Man #2: And I'm Tommy.  
  
Both: We're the Fagotonie bros.!  
  
Raziel: Alright, what is up with the weird names?  
  
Me: What? It's funny.  
  
Raziel: I give up.Why are there two of you here?  
  
Tony: Well I'm the representative of the Water glyph, but some scmuck blew up the place. So we're gonna give you both the Sun and Water glyphs.  
  
(They give him the glyphs and then vanish.)  
  
Raziel: Thanks, saves me the bother of getting the last one.  
  
(He turns to leaves, but the crowds cheering sets him off the edge.)  
  
Raziel: THAT'S IT! YOU'RE ALL DEAD!  
  
Crowd: *In unison* Oh SH*T  
  
(He uses all his new abilities on them, after about an hour, he leaves, the room is in a state I think you might not want to like to see.)  
  
Raziel: I hate contests.  
  
(He returns to the abyss, he then notices that the water surrounding the platforms has a cave in it.)  
  
Raziel: I wonder what that is.  
  
Elder God: Aren't you gonna get the Fire Reaver?  
  
Raziel: Why should I? I won't have it at the beginning of the sequel, besides it's already getting to the end of the game.  
  
Elder God: Guess your right.  
  
(Raziel then jumps into the water and swims into the cave, he submerges and sees Human Citadel.)  
  
Raziel V.O: The humans' citadel, the place that has only about fifteen people -- a crappy looking place, its towering walls with a bad paint job. It's deep moats engineered to keep Nosgoth's Vampire and lawyer plaque at bay.  
  
Though the city was somewhat well-fortified against vampires, its human architects and sushi chefs hadn't considered a breach by a creature such as myself.  
  
(He then continues on, kicking down a sign that reads 'Vampires' please leave'. He enters the door in the side of the mountain and makes his way through, he comes across two humans, and both have a flame-thrower.)  
  
Pyromaniac: BURN! BURN! (Translation: Look over there, what is it?)  
  
Bill from PSM: It's a Smurf! I love those little guys.  
  
Raziel: I'm not a Smurf!  
  
Bill: You look like one.  
  
Raziel: But I'm not.  
  
Bill: Then let's kill him.  
  
Pyro: BURN! (Translation: Ok.)  
  
(They attack him, both sending a turret of flame at him, he jumps in the air and glides over their head, and he then stabs Bill in the back with a spear. But is burned to death by the psycho.)  
  
Raziel: Damn.  
  
(He eats Bill's soul, which has crossed into the spectral realm, he suddenly has the urge to wear a gorilla suit, fighting that off he then returns to Material.)  
  
Pyro: BURN! BURN! BURN! (Translation: I thought I killed you!)  
  
Raziel: Oh shut up.  
  
(He fires a projectile at the Maniac, who is standing right by the window.)  
  
Pyro: BURN! (Translation: Oh crap.)  
  
(He is hit and falls out and dies. Raziel then glides into citadel.)  
  
Raziel: Alright! Time to kick some none-Vampire ass.  
  
(He enters the town and finds the place is empty, he then hears cheering and applauds a little ways ahead.)  
  
Raziel: What's this?  
  
(He sees a poster saying 'See Kain the magnificent!'  
  
Raziel: Odd.  
  
(He then peeks around the corner and sees Kain on a small stage performing magic.)  
  
Raziel: O.O  
  
Kain: .And now for my next act, I will need a volunteer.  
  
Random humans: Me! No Me! Me!  
  
Raziel: O.o  
  
Kain: How about you!  
  
(He points to a man.)  
  
Some guy named Stan: Really! This is so great.  
  
(He gets on stage and then goes in a box that Kain points to, he then performs the box being skewered with swords.)  
  
Kain: Alakazam! Now when I open the box, the volunteer will be unharmed.  
  
(He peers into the box, he closes it suddenly.)  
  
Kain: O.O *Chuckles nervously* Uh, seems that we can't complete the trick.  
  
Random human: Why?  
  
Kain: Uh, Kazam!  
  
(He zaps the box and it explodes, noting is left.)  
  
Kain: I have made him vanish instead.  
  
Crowd: Yeah!  
  
(They throw roses and applaud loudly, Kain bows repeatedly, as he bows he spots Raziel.)  
  
Kain: Geh! Gotta go. You've been a wonderful audience! Bye!  
  
(He vanishes.)  
  
Raziel: Damn! I wanted to another trick.  
  
(He then decides to have some fun with the humans, by taking a bite into a woman or two, but not fully devouring their souls.)  
  
Random people: AHHHHHH!  
  
Raziel: Hehehe. huh?  
  
(He spots a trail of banana peels and sees hands from around a corner place another down, he runs around the corner and sees a cloaked man.)  
  
Raziel: Finally! I will have vengeance!  
  
Cloaked man: Oh crap.  
  
(He runs off with Raziel in close pursuit, he is cornered on that giant water tower like dome.)  
  
Raziel: Now you will pay for all the suffering that you put me through.  
  
(He uncloaks the man.)  
  
Raziel: It's you!  
  
The DOLE banana mascot: Yes, you can not stop me! MUHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Raziel: Well see about that, here Jojo!  
  
Dole mascot: Huh?  
  
(Suddenly a monkey appears.)  
  
Jojo: O'! O'! O'!  
  
Raziel: Yes My pet now attack!  
  
(Jojo lunges at the giant fruit.)  
  
Dole: AHHHH! NO! A monkey! Bananas' worst enemy! AHHHHH!  
  
(They struggle until they both fall off the edge into the water below, the giant fruit dissolves into mush and the monkey shrieks loudly, Raziel jumps down and pulls the small creature out and dries him off.)  
  
Raziel: Thank you my small furry friend, your love for bananas has helped me. Now for my part of the bargain.  
  
(He pulls out a bunch of bananas from his cowl and gives it to the monkey, it opps gladly and then scampers off, he leaves the city and then returns to the second platform of the abyss. He begins to head towards the path that lies ahead from Dumah's lair.)  
  
Raziel: Just one more chapter and this parody will be over.  
  
************************************************************** *************************  
  
Me: Well what do you think?  
  
Raziel: Now that the peel problem is out of the way, it's to kill Kain.  
  
Me: Yep, but there will be another parody with you in it in soon.  
  
Raziel: NO. Damn you.  
  
Me: Anyway, please review and I will give you all the stuff I usually give and I will throw in a Moebius detector, which will lead you right to him where ever he goes.  
  
Bye! 


	11. Chapter 11: The Oracle's cave, giant por...

Soul Reaver - Chapter Eleven: The Final Confrontation (Until the sequel at least)  
  
Notice: .You know the drill.  
  
Me: Well here it is at last, the final chapter of my first parody.  
  
Raziel: WHOHOO! YAY! No more chapters! YA-  
  
(Is whacked up side the head by Me with a large club.)  
  
Me: Shut up, your gonna be in another parody of mine soon.  
  
Raziel: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOO*One hour later*OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OO!  
  
Me: Are you done yet?  
  
Raziel: .OOOOOOO *Stops suddenly* Yeah I'm done now.  
  
Me: Geh! *Falls over anime style*  
  
Raziel: Well.I guess I'll go get ready.  
  
Me: You do that.Well anyway, here it is the final chapter! YAY!  
  
************************************************************** *************************  
  
(We see Moebius at a desk, wearing a suit instead of his usual robes.)  
  
Moebius: Hello, I'm here to apologize for the parody, which has slandered this great game series. It has demeaned the dialogue and made a mockery of some of the greatest voice- actors best roles in their career, please, me and others are signing a -  
  
(He is suddenly tackled by Raziel and Kain who each posses a sharp object, they beat the stuffing out of him until he is unable to mutter a word.)  
  
Kain: I think that's enough of that.  
  
Raziel: I agree.  
  
Kain: If you people out there want to kill annoying bastards like Moebius here, please call - 1800 - Kill - MOEBIUS.  
  
Me: GET ON WITH IT!  
  
Kain and Raziel: Sorry.  
  
(We now see Raziel heading towards the Oracles cave.)  
  
Raziel V.O: The Oracles cave, where Kain's first fateful meeting with Moebius occurred.  
  
Moebius played the role of an attorney and soothsayer, stirring his pot of visions while dispensing legal papers and enigmatic predictions to gullible morons and twits uh I mean visitors and plaintiffs. Underneath the facade was Moebius the little jackass and Time Streamer, sorcerer of the Circle of Nine - a ruthless and annoying manipulator with the power to piss others off real quick and bend time. Since his rightfully deserved ass-kicking by Kain's hands centuries ago, theses cave have stood vacant, until now because there are now vampires waiting to fight me while I make my way through.though, like Moebius himself, they are rumored to be only a facade for a much dumber, more ridiculous joke.  
  
I sensed that Kain was here, not only because of the large sign outside saying 'Kain's inside'.and at that moment, I would have searched the Internet to find him.  
  
(Once inside, Raziel comes across a statue of Moebius, the Time Streamer - as he regards it and spites on it, he reflects.)  
  
Raziel V.O: This, I deduced, must be the jackass himself -the Time Streamer, Moebius. He seemed not at all the 500ft, six armed, laser eye shooting, giant with big cannons I had imagined Kain's boasted stories while he was drunk. And yet, even this crappy ugly image radiated a certain undeniable power.or I was tired and needed a nap?  
  
In the depths of Moebius' time-streaming apparatus, Raziel discovers a series of portals displaying scenes of past and apparently future events. As he descends, passing these various scenes, he reflects on the images confronting him. The images in the portals imply that the events he's experienced - and those still to come have all been predestined.  
  
The first portal shows Raziel reviving in the underworld, after being executed by Kain.  
  
Raziel: My arrival in this miserable age. What the hell is this?  
  
Elder God: It is no illusion, Raziel, but a preview of the upcoming T V hit: "Predestined Futures"  
  
The second portal displays Raziel's discovery at the Tomb of the Sarafan, and his origins -  
  
Raziel: Impossible - this must one of Kain's deceptions. he must be running a hidden network of cameras.  
  
A third portal shows the Soul Reaver being shattered during the confrontation between Kain and Raziel (as Kain prepares to destroy Raziel with the blade) --  
  
Raziel: These apparitions torment me. has it all been foretold? And didn't this happen before I went to the tomb?  
  
Elder God: Yeah, but I think the creators wanted to deliver a foreboding effect than precise order.  
  
The next portal shows Raziel confronting Kain at some future time, in an unfamiliar setting --  
  
Raziel: My mind reels with conflict and numbness. does Kain await me moments from now, or in a sequel game yet to come?  
  
Another portal shows Raziel striking Ariel down with the Soul Reaver (an event which has not yet occurred) --  
  
Raziel: O.o This cannot be! What madness does this scene portend? Kain must think me credulous, to suffer these lies. besides I would kill her wearing a mask or something like that.  
  
A final portal shows Raziel armed with an enhanced Soul Reaver, it's blade writhing with intertwined black and red energies --  
  
Raziel: Cool, red and black are very neat colors, I wonder when I'll get that.  
  
(He continues on and final reaches the time chamber, Kain is no where to be found. He suddenly hears a voice from one of the columns on the third part of the chamber.)  
  
Voice: *Like a woman* So what's up Ken?  
  
Same voice: *Now like a cool guy* Nothing Barbie.  
  
Raziel: O.o  
  
(He slowly creeps up the stairs and peer around the corner to see Kain on the floor playing with two Barbie dolls.)  
  
Raziel: O.O  
  
(He watches as Kain plays, unaware to his presence.)  
  
Raziel: *To himself* Oh I have to get some pictures of this.  
  
(He pulls out a camera and takes several photos of Kain; upon the third click does Kain finally realize Raziel is there.)  
  
Kain: GAH! Oh, uh I just collect these, you know for investment.  
  
Raziel: "-__-0 Right.  
  
Kain: FORGET WHAT YOU SAW! Anyway. At last. I must say I'm disappointed in you progress. I imagined you'd become the champion of 'Duel Monsters' by now. -- Tell me did it trouble you to murder your brothers?  
  
Raziel: No, not really. Did it trouble you when you ordered me into the abyss?  
  
Kain: Nah. I did it before a hundred times. No - I had money betted on you. In your ability to kick ass. In your drinking problem.  
  
Raziel: Lies. I do not have a problem. You cannot have foreseen all of this.  
  
Kain: Eternity is long, long, long time and it's quit relentless when you steal its prized pig, Raziel.  
  
When I first busted into this place, centuries ago, I did not fathom the true power of Knowledge and that in a past life, I was a woman. To know the future, Raziel. to see it's pretty swirly colors and it's paths and streams tracing out into the infinite coloring book. As a man, I could never have contained such forbidden truths, that Moebius is gay. But each of us is so much more than we once were. Gazing out across the backyards of possibility, do you not feel with all your soul how we have become like gods? And as such, are we not indivisible? As long as a single one of us stands, we can kick ass, oh and we are legion. That is why I must sacrifice my children to the void, I can even do it with my eyes shut and my hands tied.  
  
Raziel: *Nearly asleep* Are you done yet?  
  
Kain: Yes.  
  
Raziel: Oh, uh very unpoetic - but in the end it doesn't even matter. You offer no more than half-priced fruits and vegetables.  
  
Kain: These chambers offer insight and are great for hiding in when the cops are after you. Our futures are predestined by Eidos - Moebius told me that eons ago and foretold me mine for only a nickel. We each play out the parts the director picked for us. Free will is a load of bull.  
  
Raziel: I've seen the tomb of Sarafan, Kain. Your dirty secret is exposed.  
  
Kain: WHAT! I was drunk that night.  
  
Raziel: That's beside the point, how could you turn a priest into vampire?  
  
Kain: Well, first I had to dig the bodies out, then I had to perform -  
  
Raziel: No. I mean why did you do it?  
  
Kain: Oh. One must keep his friends close, Raziel - and his enemies even closer. Who better to serve me than someone whose passion for peaches transcends all notions for watermelons?  
  
Raziel: The Sarafan were weird, and yet saviors too, defending Nosgoth from the bogeyman and giant squirrels. My eyes, or at least these cool glowing white contacts that act as them are open, Kain - I find no free discounts in this credit card you so rudely forced on my unwilling corpse.  
  
Kain: You may have uncovered your past, but you now nothing about it. You think the Sarafan were noble, please they were @$$holes for gods sake, Altruistic? Don't be simple. Their agenda was the same as ours.  
  
Raziel: They planed on cornering the cheese market?  
  
Kain: No, world domination besides everyone knew they had their eyes set on fried chicken restaurants.  
  
Raziel: What game are you playing now?  
  
Kain: Devil May Cry, I'm close to beating the third fight with Nightmare.  
  
Raziel: Enough of this! I'm gonna kick you ass!  
  
Kain: Bring it on, Bitch!  
  
(They fight; Kain does what he did before, except Kain hits the switches every time he's hit.)  
  
Raziel: Seems the designers ran out of ideas for our second fight.  
  
Kain: Seems so.  
  
(When Raziel lands his third and final Soul Reaver attack, Kain throws the final switch and materializes next to the star portal, exhausted, he addresses Raziel.)  
  
Kain: .You nearly had me, Raziel.  
  
Raziel: When? When I kicked you in the nuts? Or was it when I put you the full nelson?  
  
Kain: It was when you just hit me the third time.  
  
Raziel: Oh.  
  
Kain: Anyway, this is not where - or how - it ends. Eidos decided to cut the game short, but there will be more twists before this damn game will end.  
  
(He runs into the portal, Raziel approaches it. Suddenly a tiny device falls out of his right ear.)  
  
Raziel: What the hell is this?  
  
Elder God: That's the thing I used to talk to you.  
  
Raziel: It is? Finally I'm free of your damn voice.  
  
(He smashes the device.)  
  
Elder God: Darn. Be warned, Raziel - once you cross this threshold, you will be beyond my reach.  
  
Raziel: *Really quick* It's been nice knowing you. BYE!  
  
(He runs through the portal.)  
  
Elder God: I hate it when they run away. Guess we should cut that bit out in the sequel.  
  
(Raziel appears in a dark room with the infinity symbol on the floor, as he stops to see this, Moebius walks into view.)  
  
Moebius: Raziel. some blue guy and hero of this game. jester and lord of monkeys. welcome, you poor bastard. to. THIS IS YOUR LIFE!  
  
(Little tune plays for a moment.)  
  
Raziel: Huh?  
  
Moebius: Um I mean your destiny.  
  
(They stand around for a few moments.)  
  
Raziel: Well. aren't you gonna say that line?  
  
Moebius: Oh yeah.  
  
(The scene fades and the words to that final speech appear.)  
  
Moebius:  
  
Where time is a but holahoop, A loose stitch in the universal carpet, A jerk might seize upon a chance, one screw up - And plunge the fate of our careers into chaos.  
  
Me: Now for that one little cliffhanger that pissed everyone who ever played this game off.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED.  
  
Me: Why did they do that? Bastards.  
  
************************************************************** *************************  
  
Me: Well, that's the end of my first parody, phew I'm tired.  
  
Raziel: What do you mean? I'm the one who had to go through with that!  
  
Me: Yeah. well I had to write.  
  
Raziel: I give up.  
  
(He walks off.)  
  
Me: Well I decided to do the following: Make a parody of Soul Reaver 2, Blood Omen 2, possibly one on Blood Omen if and when I get a copy of it, a Silent Hill 2 one, one on that 'Summoner' game, a L.o.K that is just for laughs, maybe even one Lord of the Rings, which is currently entitled: Lord of the Dollars: Fellowship of the Coin, and my own original fiction Please tell what you think of this.  
  
Oh, and make sure to go to the pillars, I left a surprise for you all there.  
  
Moebius: *In distance* Help ME!  
  
On a final note, I wish to thank all of you who have read this since it started.  
  
THANKS!  
  
See you later!. 


End file.
